The Trojan Horse
by The Blue Robed One
Summary: A retelling of some bits of Homer's Illiad in rhyming couplets.
1. Introduction and the Wooing of Thetis

A long time ago in Ancient Greece,  
Men were men, but there was no peace.  
  
***  
  
Peleus woos Thetis in a most unusual way.  
He catches her and makes her his prey.  
  
She turns into a bird and tries to soar high,  
but Peleus hangs on to her thigh.  
  
And then her form turns into flame,  
but Peleus manages to keep her tame.  
  
A slippery, slithery snake she now is,  
But Peleus' strong arm does not miss.  
  
He gives her nose one great box  
And fells her like a flattened ox.  
  
"All right, you have me," she admits,  
"Although I think you are a git."  
  
A few days later they would marry,  
No, they definitely did not tarry.  
  
A few years later, they had a son.  
"His name's Achilles, everyone!" 


	2. The Wooing of Helen

Helen has eyes of sapphire blue  
and lips of the rosiest hue.  
  
Her hair is golden like the sun,  
and she is fair to everyone.  
  
All the suitors came a-wooing,  
but they went away a-booing.  
  
Except for one, the lucky guy,  
Who's love shines clear within his eye.  
  
Menelaus is the one.  
"Come on Helen, let's have some fun!"  
  
Menelaus is the brother  
of Agamemnon and none other.  
  
Agamemnon is the High King  
Who wields his sword with a great swing.  
  
Odysseus is feeling bad,  
But Helen's father says, "Don't feel sad,  
  
"I've got a plan that you might like.  
Take Penelope as your wife!"  
  
Penelope is Helen's cousin.  
She has suitors by the dozen.  
  
Helen's father calls the suitors together.  
"All right, listen up, you buggers!"  
  
"I have an oath that you must take.  
Remember, a whole lot is at stake.  
  
If Menelaus should have trouble,  
you must be here upon the double.  
  
And attack with mighty fury  
(Please remember, you're the jury)  
  
All who should stand in his way.  
I ask you now, please make them pay!"  
  
One and all, they swear the oath.  
Although some of them are loath. 


	3. The Golden Apple and Elopement of Paris ...

Hera says: "If you give me the golden fruit,  
You shall have lots of jewels and loot."  
  
Athena says: "If you give me the golden apple,  
You shall be wise and strong and supple."  
  
Aphrodite says: "If you give me the golden apple,  
You shall have the most beautiful wife and her nipple."  
  
That is the last straw Paris can't take.  
He quickly jumps into the lake.  
  
When he is dry he screams and shouts:  
"Help me someone! I want out!"  
  
But then he remembers the nipple:  
"Aphrodite, here is your apple."  
  
Paris goes to Sparta to woo Helen.  
He takes with him gold, silver and melons.  
  
Paris seduces Helen in one night,  
Then, with her, quickly makes his flight.  
  
They travel back to Troy,  
Where they live with much joy.  
  
Menelaus finds that she is gone.  
"Help me, someone! I can't go on!"  
  
He calls the suitors to honour their vow.  
"Come to me friends! Come to me now!" 


	4. Introducing the Greeks and the Trojans

The Greeks assemble under Agamemnon the chief.  
None of them have been living on a diet of beef.  
  
Odysseus the Wise is the King of Ithaca.  
His wife, Penelope, puts the cummin spice in the vinegar.  
  
Ajax the Great has a big long shield.  
He wields a sword; death it deals.  
  
Nestor the king is wise and bold.  
He is strong, but he is old.  
  
Diomedes is this young man.  
His war cry echoes throughout the land.  
  
***  
  
Here are the Trojans big and small,  
Some are short and some are tall.  
  
Priam is the Trojan King,  
now and then he likes to sing.  
  
Andromache is Hector's wife.  
He loves her as he would his life.  
  
Hector is the greatest Trojan fighter,  
but we all know Achilles is mightier. 


	5. The Battle of Paris and Menelaus

The siege drags on for nine long years,  
Surpassing the words of all the seers.  
  
Morale is low, the fighting's slow,  
And everyone just wants to go.  
  
After nine long years have passed,  
They think that this meeting's the last.  
  
But Menelaus then steps forward:  
"I will challenge any lord!"  
  
In a blaze of white-hot fire,  
Paris yells, "That's upped my ire!  
  
"I'll take you on, you stupid lout,  
and then you won't have need to shout!"  
  
Menelaus comes in fury,  
and Paris quickly feels quite puny.  
  
"I think that I have changed my plan!"  
But in the way stern Hector stands.  
  
"You coward, you must go and fight!  
Rescue Troy from this foul plight!"  
  
Paris, quaking, turns around   
and hesistantly stands his ground.  
  
"All right, brother, I will fight,  
Though I rather prefer flight!"  
  
Paris gets the leading throw,  
but his spear cast is too low.  
  
Menelaus throws quite hard,  
it almost pierces Paris' heart.  
  
But it stops just at his shirt,  
and Paris is not even hurt.  
  
Menelaus swings his sword  
at the coward Trojan lord.  
  
It hits the helmet, but then shatters  
He's as mad as many hatters.  
  
Menelaus seizes the crest  
Of Paris' helmet, yells, "I'm the best!"  
  
Paris topples to the ground.  
Menelaus drags him round.  
  
For the Grecian line he makes,  
While purple Paris chokes and shakes.  
  
Paris' face is turning blue,  
It looks like quite a nasty hue.  
  
The goddess of love takes pity on him,  
And cuts through the straps, which are thin.  
  
Paris bounds up with a shout,  
But Aphrodite leads him out.  
  
Menelaus shakes his fist,  
while all the Greeks boo and hiss.  
  
"I'm the victor, can't you see?  
This war is over, at least for me!"  
  
"No, it's not!" The Trojans yell,  
"Paris is alive and well!" 


	6. The Trojans Attack the Greek Ships

Here are the Trojans, attacking the ships;  
Hear the war cries on their lips.  
  
"Come out Greeks now you must have learnt,  
Or else your ships will all be burnt."  
  
Ajax the Mighty fends them off.  
"Look," he says, "they're not all soft."  
  
Hector was struck on the head.  
They all thought that he was dead.  
  
Hector comes back from the grave.  
"Come back, Trojans, let's be brave!"  
  
The Greeks are really quite put out.  
They turn around and run about.  
  
The Greeks then flee back to the ships.  
At their heels the Trojans nip.  
  
Odysseus is left to defend the ships.  
A Trojan stabs into his hip.  
  
The brave hero then stands and shouts,  
And into his hands his life pours out.  
  
Luckily his comrades hear his cries,  
They force their way back to his side.  
  
Menelaus bears his friend back to the Greeks,  
While Ajax fights all, strong and weak. 


	7. The Battle of Hector and Ajax

Hector steps forward from the line,  
"Come on, you big bunch of bovines,  
  
I offer to engage in combat  
Any man, or even a wombat!"  
  
The Greeks draw lots to decide  
Who should commit suicide.  
  
Ajax's stone falls from the helmet.  
He looks at it and then says "Dammit!  
  
"I had hoped not to be picked.  
Oh well, Hector will be nicked.  
  
If it happens that I should die,  
In the ground please let me lie."  
  
He takes up his great shield and sword,  
Adding, "Anyway, I was bored."  
  
He trudges slowly to the field,  
and buckles on his sword and shield.  
  
"Come on Hector," he then yells,  
"Let's see if you've got it where it tells!"  
  
Hector steps up in a thrice,  
Very loudly he replies,  
  
"I think I'm more than you can hack.  
Let's see if you're fluff or tack!"  
  
And as the reddish sunset nears,  
they ready and then cast their spears.  
  
Hector's spear just bounces off,  
Ajax's doesn't raise a cough.  
  
They get more spears and try again,  
The second round is quite the same.  
  
They draw their swords and then let fly,  
Ajax swings from up on high.  
  
His stroke connects with Hector's head,  
whose helmet is not made of lead.  
  
It withstands the mighty blow,  
and Ajax has got naught to show.  
  
Hector then launches his blow  
A thrust into the heart; but no!  
  
Ajax's shield is far too thick,  
It doesn't even get a nick.  
  
Hector's sword is badly shattered,  
And that really, really matters.  
  
In desperation he then bends,  
and from the ground a stone he lends.  
  
He casts the stone with all his might,  
But Ajax still has lots of fight.  
  
Ajax merely shrugs his shoulders.  
He's really good at throwing boulders.  
  
He easily deflects the stone  
And picks a boulder from the loam.  
  
"Two can play at this old game.  
Let's see who's got the better aim!"  
  
This heavy boulder he then throws.  
Hector staggers from the blow.  
  
His shield then crumples from the force.  
Ajax has the strength of a horse.  
  
He follows his advantage through,  
although the sky's an orange hue.  
  
Another boulder he then hurls  
Directly into Hector's curls.  
  
Hector buckles, then he stands,  
Then yells, "Please look at the land!  
  
"The sun is going down, you see,  
As we stand here by this tree.  
  
"Why not postpone this little fight,  
Until, perhaps, tomorrow night?  
  
"But it's been so good fighting with you,  
I'd like you to have this belt of blue."  
  
Ajax also gives his belt.  
"Look here: on it 'hero's spelt!"  
  
The combatants shake hands and then  
They promptly feast with all their men. 


	8. Apollo rescues Aphrodite and Aeneas

Aeneas and Diomedes meet in the fray.  
"Come on, old man, let's see your swordplay."  
  
Ten mighty strokes are exchanged,  
And Aeneas Diomedes maims.  
  
Aphrodite appears to carry her injured son.  
Diomedes gives chase and he pricks her white thumb.  
  
She screams and she shouts and she jumps like a goat,  
then, lo and behold! She begins to float.  
  
Suddenly there appears Apollo the god.  
"Don't be abusive, you big ugly sod!"  
  
He shields the goddess from the chase of the man,  
And she escapes with son in hand.  
  
"You coward! You woman!" Diomedes yells.  
He's so angry, the next man he fells.  
  
He starts to chase, but then desists,  
When he finds it's with a goddess he's miffed.  
  
"You clever boy," Apollo nods,  
"It's wise not to anger me, a god." 


	9. The Death of Patroclus

Patroclus sees the men being slain  
And wants to fight out on the plain.  
  
"Oh no!" Achilles moans.  
"Of my armour you may make a loan."  
  
"The city is out of bounds.  
I'll just fight on ground.  
So don't get worried,  
Don't get flurried,  
For tomorrow I'll still be around!  
  
"Don't let your worry make you thinner!   
Set a place for me at dinner!"  
  
So Patroclus leads the men to the plain,  
And about that time it begins to rain.  
  
Patroclus, you idiot! You fool!  
The sight of those walls just made you drool!  
  
His arm was lopped   
With a right hand chop,  
  
And his eyes put out  
With a healthy clout.  
  
"My body from my life is cleft.  
My dominant hand is not my left."  
  
You see, he was delirious.  
He didn't make any sense to us.  
  
And when we thought he'd tire,  
He suddenly began to expire.  
  
Here is Patroclus' funeral pyre.  
All night it burns; what a fire! 


	10. The Fall of Troy

The Greeks construct a horse from wood;  
they look at it and say, "It's good!"  
  
Laocoon sees right through the trick.  
He starts to attack the horse with a stick!  
  
Cassandra comes out and says, "Agree!  
This horse is way too big for me!"  
  
A snake comes with a wooden spoon,  
and it begins to crush Laocoon.  
  
Poseidon's beast is twisting the man.  
His sons jump in and lend a hand.  
  
But the beast crushes tighter and tighter.  
Soon the family is smaller than a cigarette lighter.  
  
The Trojans are awed. "This is a sign!  
It's so inspiring, it must be divine."  
  
They drag the horse within the walls,  
And think it signals the end of the war.  
  
They think they've driven the Greeks away,  
And found a way to make them pay.  
  
They celebrate with a great feast.  
They think that they have killed the beast.  
  
And in the night Helen comes  
And whispers to the hidden ones.  
  
She calls to Odysseus in the voice of his wife:  
"Come back! Come back, O my life!"  
  
She also speaks in tones of honey  
To all the men within the tummy.  
  
As dusk falls, they all come out,  
Being careful not to shout.  
  
The ships come back to the land,  
Everything is as was planned.  
  
The city gates are thrown wide open.  
All the Grecian armies lope in.  
  
They set fire to the place.  
All the buildings are ablaze.  
  
The Greek soldiers plunder, the Trojans scream;  
Who was torn away from the statue of Athene?  
  
Menelaus goes inside  
The place where Deiphobus resides.  
  
Menelaus shouts, "You hare!"  
to Deiphobus, who is there.  
  
He decapitates the prince  
With a blow that'll make you wince.  
  
Helen would've suffered the same fate,  
But Odysseus saves her not too late.  
  
"Remember you'd grant me my wishes.  
Keep your promise, or you'll do the dishes!"  
  
Menelaus spares his wife  
and takes her back into his life.  
  
Here lies the ruins that once was Troy.  
Only ghosts can live in this dark void.  
  
And here I now put down my pen,  
And solemnly declare: THE END. 


End file.
